I cried, I was feeling low, I told myself this is it, its time to say goodbye. I can’t take feeling like this anymore. The devil inside kept telling me they would be better without you, you serve no purpose in this life. My head was like a thunderstorm, lots of black clouds, thunder, lightening and the dark thoughts mixed in. My partner said what wrong? I replied “I’m going to kill myself!”
What is depression? Is it being depressed? Do people really know the difference? Living with the stigma attached to such a strong word and meaning. There is an emptiness attached to the word – like your soul just isn’t there.
Imagine living everyday with a serious mental health problem when you have children, Children that need your un-devoted attention every second of the day. Your heart melts every time they shout daddy, when he comes to give you a good morning kiss and cuddles you before bed. But deep inside your devil is telling you, you’re not worth it, planning inside your head what your going to do. The thoughts remove all the important feelings you have and over take your mind and body.
Going back a few years to when my son was born –The most important day of my life. All the dark thoughts just seemed to disappear; I was on the sick at the time for having a breakdown at work. I was living in a dark place before I had to rush to hospital and just like that – GONE, like switching the light on.
Depression is hard enough when you don’t have children, But when that child is your main focus you need to tell yourself that, easier said than done, When your out and your not feeling 100% but you get the public looking at you, maybe for shouting, or loosing your cool, they don’t know the reasons behind it, in my case depression gives me a short fuse as I find it hard to deal with my emotions and running about after a toddler.
Take yesterday for example, I was at soft play with my son, I lifted him over the fence to let him play. Usually I would go in with him but I felt drained and worthless, I just sat on the chair and watched while other mothers and fathers were playing in the soft play. These are the memories you need to be involved in. I want to be remembered as a fun playful dad that done everything with their son. Not the dad who is grumpy and just sits at the side. I am a fun dad when I am well and I am totally unsure if people were looking at me for sitting and watching, but maybe that’s me being paranoid.
I grew up without a dad, the only father figure I had was my Grandad and Uncle but its not the same. I want to be there for my son, I want to get better for his sake – He is the most important part of my life now, nothing else matters but him.
Depression whats that?
It came and went, and comes and goes, I enjoy every second of being a father, It tests you at times and you feel like you have no patience left to cope, but he is your soul, your life, your world and you find a way to get through.
2 years on and It has came back with a vengeance. The sunny days were gone and the dark days were to come. It started off as a trickle of thoughts and became a full blown storm of suicidal thoughts, tears and the feeling of uselessness.
No matter what I do to try and get better DEPRESSION will always be there its how you deal with it. Your feeling depressed, believe me its not the same as depression. Depressed is just a word that everyone uses. But take a second and think what that word really means.
Talking about it is hard for anyone. When I’m in a conversation with someone and they are talking in a such a way, saying certain words I fell like exploding and telling them to choose their words carefully, When I am going through a period like this I am a very explosive person and sometimes I have to fight so hard not to say anything.
I am still here to fight another day and I will continue to fight for my son’s sake.
I will make my son proud of me.
Im Lew – A blogger and father of two boys, three if you include the dog, living in Sunderland. Not sure I have the hang of this blog niche thing but hey ho, I’m doing it anyway – expect all sorts of randomness.